Marriageable age

This vacation I realized that one can no longer ignore the fact my daughter is of marriageable age. She is now working and people have started to ask us if we are looking out for her. The society has fixed certain age for the same and many fall into it. Daughter says she wants to work and make some money before she gets married while we are not in a hurry too. I mean what more can a mother ask for? Daughter is at home and one can enjoy her presence longer. Some of us had to leave home after 10th and then it was only for short visits that one could stay with the parents. These days many are refusing to marry too or by the time they think they are ready the bus is already gone. But I see no regrets in them. 

Anyway let me see how long she will....

Anniversary

Today is a day of remembrance and a day for celebration.

It is a day to remember Achayan (my FIL) who left us this day two years back. Achaya..you will always live in our memories.

It is also a day to remember 2 decades of our married life. Yes..it has been so long!

Over the years, we fought like cats..

.....and made up like love birds! 

Watching us, the world may call us the least compatible couple.. but we learned much from each other and changed for each other.

But the greatest achievement of our union is our two children whom we love and adore.

During this short life full of ups and downs I have realized how fickle relationships can be.

How easy it is to blame than to accept.
How easy is to hurt than to forgive.
How easy it is to give up than continue.
How easy it is to cut relationships than to nurture it.

Our children too shall leave this home we created lovingly very soon, to face the world and to know people better or worse than us. Let me pray that they shall forgive and forget whatever we have omitted to teach them and whatever we taught them unintentionally. Let me pray that they shall always remember that we did our best and will reach out to us during their times of difficulties and triumphs.

Let me also thank God for not giving me everything that I have prayed for, but for giving me so many things that I have never prayed for but is very precious.

All about Norway

Norway has once again grabbed the headlines! This time an Indian couple was arrested in Norway after scolding their child for wetting his pants! Earlier another Indian couple Anurup and Sagarika Bhattacharya lost custody of their two children, Abhigyan, 3, and Aishwarya, 1, in May of last year. 

But the fact of the matter is that if India was Norway even for a day, every Indian parent would be in jail! 

Short of strangling, "normal" Indian parent would have committed every other offense that may put them in jail if they were in Norway. We scold, threaten, pinch and many even use the cane to put our children on track. What track, only God knows! If you look at my blog and the most popular post, it is about me punishing our son for lying. I have always wondered if some Child Authority in the world is monitoring this blog to one day arrest me and put me in jail! Yes, I did beat him that day! Of course not severely. Luckily our children have not given us much chance to exercise our parental authority. They have been well behaved and now that they are old, I have realized that it is no longer necessary. But for most Indian parent, the crimes that put you in jail in Norway are a part of their own growing up. There is no way they will change overnight! Anyway this post is not about parenting but about Norway so let me get on with it.

The Nordic country as you know tops in the happiness index.

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Norway has been declared the world's happiest country. Just as unsurprising, the Democratic Republic of Congo came last.

The United Nations Human Development Index 2011 measures happiness in different countries based on factors such as income, education, health, life expectancy, economy, gender equality and sustainability.

So when I mentioned this during a discussion on FB regarding the arrest, a friend pointed out the following as a reason for the same:

As per United Nations, Monthly Bulletin of Statistics, April 2001, the Number of marriages per 1,000 people per year in Norway is only 5.1 :)

So marriage seems to be the culprit. But it is true that most children in Norway are born out of wedlock and there is no stigma attached with it. Most couples are like Brad and Angelina! If Bragelina started thinking about marriage after their kids (six of them) started bugging them, Nordic couples too think of marriage only after a couple of children. 

The willingness to accept so-called “open unions” or “uncertified marriages” in the Nordic countries has been under way for a very long time, many decades before the term “same-sex marriage” was even coined. In Finland, for example, attitudes to marriage started to change substantially after World War II. During the period 1950 to 1984, there was a sharp increase in the number of unmarried couples.

“Since the late 1960s, the practice of cohabitation had become increasingly common, so much so that by the late 1970s most marriages in urban areas grew out of what Finns called ‘open unions,’ according to the Encyclopedia of Women’s History.

But there are various reasons why they opt for such a union. 

But there are various reasons Scandinavian couples decide to wait. Putting a priority on education, career, or buying an apartment are some of the reasons. The high cost of a traditional wedding is another. “If you have children you may not be able to afford to get married. A wedding can be very expensive,” observes soon-to-be-married Malin Larsson of Sweden, currently on paid parental leave to take care of her young daughter.

If an expensive wedding is one reason then India has every reason to follow the Scandinavian formula! 

As for government: 

Norway is a unitary parliamentary democracy and constitutional monarchy, with King Harald V as its head of state and Jens Stoltenberg as its prime minister.

India too can follow the same. Declare the Gandhi family as the reigning King or Queen and get on with governance! 

Norwegians have done pretty well in governance and statistics proves so.

Norwegians enjoy the second highest GDP per-capita (after Luxembourg) and fourth highest GDP (PPP) per-capita in the world. Today, Norway ranks as the second wealthiest country in the world in monetary value, with the largest capital reserve per capita of any nation.

Now I read that the Indian couples are indeed in trouble since they burned and belted their child!

Parenting can be stressful and one can lose sanity very easily but it is always good to remember that it is your own genes that is inside them and there are many things that just cannot be corrected by being cruel to them. You may watch your own shortcomings in them and would badly want to correct it but it is always better to do it in a gentler manner.

http://www.nordicreach.com/its_about/lifestyle/135/
http://travel.cnn.com/explorations/life/united-nations-announces-world%E2%80%99s-happiest-country-247768
http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_mar_rat-people-marriage-rate&int=-1
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Norway

Girl or gold?

The latest advertisement for gold/diamond shows the birth of a baby (a girl I presume) and the next shot, the birth of a diamond or a diamond necklace! It ends up with a necklace worn by a beautiful girl with the tag "There is a diamond for every woman" . Wow! Are they giving it free?


Such advt may frighten the wits out of parents having a girl child. Why in the world do we associate girls with gold? Why do we let the media treat girls as a burden? In my opinion such adverts needs to be banned altogether specially in the backdrop of increasing female foeticide.

Let the girl child be looked upon as a normal child; not as a liability until she is flung into another’s home.

Let her be treated with dignity; not as an object to be adorned with gold and precious stones.

She is only a normal human being capable of looking after herself if you will let her be. Instead, you have a worrying father and later a brother only to transfer this gold or diamond from one bank locker to another. Look at her! How ridiculous she looks!

Then you have other adverts which implore you to invest monthly in these shops so that once your girl is grown, if nothing else, she will have bags of gold to catch a husband! Yes..it seems these husbands have only eyes for this gold and not the girl! But why should that matter? Hasn't she been finally pushed from her home? The work of a lifetime! No wonder cowards and weaklings kill them before they are born!

Have listened to many advising me to buy gold since we have a girl. They have this frightening tone and you almost succumb to their fears. But luckily I have a hubby who continues to maintain that it is a dead investment. 

Let us invest in our girl in other ways. If someone worthy of her comes along, let him take her only for her and not for the gold!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JDQ1jV9tRU
http://funny-indian-pics.blogspot.com/2011/12/funny-indian-girl-wearing-tons-of-gold.html

Gender Equality and Marriage

I have always favored gender equality when there are many closely associated with me who believes that men are superior to women. It must be my upbringing or maybe the Indian/Hindu culture. I have realized over the years that men and women are equally vulnerable and each deserves no special treatment. A woman can be strong on her own without feigning weakness. When one talks about the empowerment of women, it should never be by making a man weak. Every society needs strong men and women. When men/women are made to be strong they are naturally inclined to help the weaker in the society. So I believe empowerment of women is not the only change we want in our society, we want the men and the women to be equally empowered so that they support each other.

The other day I stumbled upon a blog and Uma Challa who has taken this fight seriously. In addition to fighting for women she fights for the numerous men who are now abused under the various laws brought in the name of women. There are many causes that this organization is fighting to uphold the sanctity of marriage. It may not have been noticed by many regarding NCW’s (NATIONAL COMMISSION of WOMEN) recent proposal to amend Section 125 of Code of Criminal procedure (CrPC) to include women involved in live in relationships to be eligible for alimony. Now I do not have anything against men or women who do not want a marriage certificate but prefer to live-in, but I do believe that this right should not encroach upon those who have taken the marriage vows seriously.

Now coming to the religious text that I should be following as a Christian, and that I am sure many like quoting to make the woman shut her mouth, let me quote the following that I prefer to see.

Gal. 3:28: "There is neither Jew or Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

But for the present, let me be an opportunist and hold onto the Indian/ Hindu culture that I so love rather than my religion to emphasize gender equality.

This has been done beautifully by Uma Challa in her blog:

The inseparability of the male and female entities in the Universe was recognized by Indians as early as the Vedic times. This beautiful sentiment is manifested through the representation of Goddess Parvathi (Uma) and Lord Siva (Maheswara), known as “the parents of the Universe”, as UmaMaheswara or Ardhanareeswara (half-man, half-woman). This representation indicates that while both the female and male forms have their own individual identities and strengths, they are still interdependent. They complement each other and, it is only by combining their individual strengths that they are able to create and nurture life in the Universe. This divine couple is considered by Indians as an example to be emulated by all human beings.

Now I do not care if there are some Indian texts that say otherwise. But how absurd it is when everyone knows that there are certain things the man cannot do and vice verse. So I just cannot understand why it is difficult to accept that they are created in such a way that they are complementary to each other.

Now let me look at the meaning of complementing:

1- Completing part (something that completes or perfects something else)
2- One of two (either of two things that form a unit

Is it not beautiful and right? Something that completes or perfects something else and none is higher or lesser. Both entities are equally important to complete the relationship. And this is what I believe the institution of marriage, which ought to be the pillar of every society is all about.


Let me end this with a poem from Khalil Ghibran on marriage: Khalil has compared the man and woman to the oak and cypress trees or to the pillars of a temple. Now can anyone say which tree or pillar is superior?

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.


Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.


Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

Wolves and she wolves

Manoranjan's comment prompted me to continue my previous post.

I agree this is a man’s world, but then I don’t blame just the man alone for all the troubles in this world! At least among the educated, when it becomes to abortion the woman has every say in it and if she refuses to agree, I am sure the man will leave her alone. I believe there may be no say for the women in case she is entirely dependent on the man and she is forced to undergo abortion. And this could be in majority. And then there could be cases where the woman herself wants an abortion even if the man does not agree to it.

And in case of dowry in some households it is the mother who is after it more than the father.

So education should be for one and all irrespective of the gender.

As for wolves, well.. I myself don’t have such a bleak view of this world and its inhabitants – mainly men. There are wolves and she wolves but at the same time there are “real men” who are strong enough to accept and appreciate the strength in a woman. It is only when men hopes to become the “man of the house” by default that trouble sets in a marriage. It is not as though women hate to be under her man but he should earn it as well. The adaptation that is being talked is just that and one can have a happy marriage instead of moments of happiness. And since we don’t have perfect men and women and since most of us don’t care to acknowledge our own weakness, one can’t blame the institution of marriage.

As for husbands protecting his wife from other wolves, I think we wives are quite capable of protecting ourselves, unless you want us to take a stroll all alone through the deadliest neighborhood.

This and that..

Indrani Ghose commented that we are back to slave trade and that brought to my mind the human trading that still exists in our modern civilization. The trading of grooms. Earlier it was the beauty of the girl that set the price but now the credentials of the bride doesn’t matter at all. Let her be beautiful, educated or whatever, only the groom matters. In Kerala, I think a Doctor (with specialization and not MBBS) still fetches the highest price. The only reason why some are willing to spend half a crore or more to secure admission to a medical college. But in the Middle East it works the other way round. The groom needs to pay for the bride which should bring solace to those in India!



The dowry system in India still remains the greatest evil to marriage. As it is, there is a growing hatred towards marriage from the current generation and some of them prefer to have live-in relationships instead. With the increase in income, they can afford to move out from their own family and live a life they deem is comfortable. I am not saying that marriage is all roses and honey, not when I sometimes feel like Jack the Ripper in my mind, ripping the head of you know who? But it is the best one for now, unless one believes that a planet like K-Pax really exists. I am sure some of you remember the movie starred by Kevin Spacey and Jeff Bridges. Prot, the man who claims to have come from K-Pax says that they don’t have marriages in K-Pax. They all belong to one big society or planet. One may father a child but it does not belong to him since the child will be brought up by everyone. It may sound great, but Prot himself points out that at K-Pax no one misses anyone. I guess marriage and later a family is all about looking out for each other. A baby sitting facility can never do the same job of a parent, how much strong the commitment is. In a family, you have your parents and your siblings to look out for you and care for you. You have that unique sense of belonging which only a family set up can give you. To get this and more if it requires a license from the society, then it is worth it. But the current society which includes me doesn’t have the patience to try out this system which has survived for centuries.

This also brings to my mind the growing impatience with child rearing. I know of many couples who have aborted their babies since they were either not ready or they have a first one and the second came sooner. They don’t mind spending their money on themselves but spending on their child becomes a burden.

Talking of abortion takes me yet again to female foeticide and I appreciate the effort done by Roop Rai at Unchaahi: the Unwanted .

Education is what we need against this evil.

Been Thinking of Marriage..

Marriages are indeed made in heaven! There is absolutely no doubt in this theory! Who other than the Almighty can find you the perfect match.

....someone who discovers your character faults.. (even u never knew it ever existed!)
....someone who compliments u for the best in u!
.. somone who makes u change u for the best or for the worst...

but then, if the marriage planned in heaven is to work on earth we have to be flexible and tolerant else it will go for a toss!