Milestones

Our life is measured by milestones and the majority of us cannot escape it's hold on us. When we are born, our parents count the milestones. Our first word, first steps, and it goes on until one is put in school. And from there, we take over the counting. As children, all we ever wanted to do want was play. I can still remember the excitement and the anticipation that one had when the time came to play. In those days it used to be any game and mostly outside. And then we ourselves started to give more importance to the milestones and forgot to enjoy the journey itself.

One such milestone happened in my life too; our daughter's marriage. Only when the time started to plan the wedding ceremony did it dawn upon me that she will soon leave to start her own family. Yes... I panicked and lost sleep too. I wanted to have more of her in the short that time that one had which was impossible. 

I try telling others to enjoy the time when they have their baby or when they are going to school. But then there is no use, since all are counting milestones and only a few are lucky to enjoy all the lovely moments in between.

Letting go

My mind is foggy these days. It takes a long time to recall names of places and people. Maybe I should blame it on Covid or vaccines? There are so many blame games going on these days and it is hard to catch up with it all. And even if you catch up with it, the next one comes up. Is the world spinning faster for the young too or just for folks like me?

It is going to be one year since my Mother left this world and this can definitely be blamed upon Covid. Now she smiles at me from my bedside table, silent as always. When I lose sleep some days, I make her take trips with me as a child. They say you grow up finally when you lose your mother. Am not sure though. But she can still bring tears to my eyes like a child. Maybe out of regret. For all the times that one never had with her, thinking that she is going to be in this world forever. How stupid we are!!

But death is inevitable and one should not dwell upon it since this world is spinning fast. You keep listening to people asking you to grab each day and enjoy each moment. Do you? I try to. 

They say the trauma of death brings the rest closer to each other. I believed too, until I realized that some things can never be changed. It is best to accept and let go. 

Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than hanging on. – Eckhart Tolle

Memories

Realized it is more than a year since I wrote on these pages. Twitter stopped me from writing and now Netflix from reading. Yes.. silly justifications. But we are all human and prone to temptations and the real reason I am on these pages is something different. I forgot our wedding anniversary and realized that my mind is full and needs to be emptied.

There are two Asha's in my college whatsapp group and when I saw the anniversary wishes I assumed it was for the other but then remembered that the other Asha celebrated hers only recently. That is when I saw my name written. How did I forget?

My mind is preoccupied with various issues beyond my control. Daughter out of Covid infection but still showing some after effects. A visa which ought to have arrived earlier. A pain in the leg which refuses to leave my better half. 

Last night my mind freed itself and went on a trip elsewhere for a short while. My first visit to Kodaikanal was during my school days and with the local Lions Club members. A bus was hired and we had a lovely trip. I still remember stopping for lunch, the roads to Kodai that had a stretch of tamarind trees. Our stay was in a bungalow belonging to one of the members or their relative. It was way up on the hills and had a good view. We visited almost all the touristic spots and Kodai was a beauty those days. Suicide point, Coaker's walk and many others. Maybe one reason I remember this trip more is because my mother asked us children to write down about the trip. Probably my first travel memoir. 

My next trip to Kerala now has one more task. To find out the journal which has recorded our travel memories. Need to take a copy of all that is left of those wonderful childhood memories. 

It is a different world out there now with the internet and the facility to visit any part of the world without even moving an inch. For that matter, now everything is being done without leaving your chair. My son plays with the same ardor but only inside, with all his gadgets. I remember how he used to skip even his lunch to play with his friends while in school. All those lovingly packed lunch would be returned until I was forced to forgo it altogether. My daughter attends her classes while in her bed. Can hear the teachers with different accents giving the lectures. I engage in silly debates from people sitting God knows where, without ever leaving my chair.

Yes.. it is different world out there and sometimes we get lost.

My Mother..

 Today it is my mother's birthday... She is not her old self due to ill health and seldom speaks. She has always been an avid reader and this is the only habit which she has retained. Am sure it is reading which still keeps her alive... a few words to my dearest mother...

Happy birthday dearest...

Hope you remember the good old times you created for each one of us...

Hope you remember the time you spent teaching us not just from the books but to preserve our integrity no matter what...

Hope you remember that it is you who taught us to have faith but without it's trappings.

Hope you remember that it is you who taught us to love the elderly since you dropped everything to run and look after your parents...

Hope you remember that it is you who taught us to love without all the show...

Hope you remember that it is you who taught us to love books and to read....

May God give you many more years...

Paradeshi or a wanderer...

We are all paradeshikals or wanderers.

Am yet to meet someone who has stayed put in one place all his/her life. For instance, my parents stayed at more than four places before they retired and built their house which they can now call their home for real. I stayed at two places until my 10th and then after my parents retired the home that I grew up was no longer my home. Later I  moved to my husband's place and then Kuwait. Initially we moved three flats and then settled into one, from the time our daughter was six months old until she finished 12th and almost finished her degree. Since their school was only a walking distance we stayed put. Finally we shifted to a new place which is now my home though am not sure how long.

When I go on vacation to my present home in Kerala, I live out of my suitcase knowing that the return ticket is ever present.

But then nothing is permanent in this world although one does not think so while accruing wealth and property. There are many who buy gold or property hoping to enjoy it later. When is that ever to come? Maybe it shall come for their children but not for them. The house that we build may last until our death and then it is no longer fashionable or convenient for our children if any. That reminded me that too many are migrating from my home state. As long as their parents were alive they visited the country but then came along a day when the visit was only to dispose off the property. While the parents wait to leave this world, the children wait to sell whatever the parents build in their lifetime. Is it a wasteful exercise? Some say it is but how many?

Maybe it is better to stay out of the suitcase without getting attached to any place. This may stop one from accumulating stuff that is not letting you enjoy your present life. Eat, love and enjoy the present moment and then maybe all your days on earth shall be good.

Peerumade

Another December and today my mind left Kuwait and went to Peerumade. The weather out here is just like how it would have been at Peerumade. Chilly but not very cold. But it is the howling wind that distinguished Peerumade from the rest of the high ranges that I have experienced. When the howling started our hearts felt light since Christmas and holidays were not far away. The air would be smelling of eucalyptus and one could see it’s twigs lying everywhere. The sweaters would come out of the cupboards and my mother would be baking cakes for the season. Then it was all about waiting for the exams to get over.

There was nothing much to do but time flew somewhere. How I miss that place!

Recently I found a few photos that we took around Peer Mohammad tomb as kids. Peerumade got it’s name either from Peer Mohammad or Guavas (Peraka) since the small hills are scattered with small guava trees.  Now some of these hills are dotted with houses. Peerumade too is no longer free from the ills of development. The teas estates are no longer viable and I think small parcels of land were disposed off. I hope those lands are not entirely eaten up. Maybe trees can be planted or the tea shrubs can be left to grow wild. I am not sure if they consume more water than others.

For us, it is a short distance of travel from the valley to these hills. A day trip is always possible but even then it is not always done. I need to let everyone into my dreams. Hubby too fell in love with this place after our marriage so it is easy to convince him.

The last time we made a trip with my parents and brother and his family. We found that the bungalow that we grew up was left to die. The kitchen roof had caved in and the garden was no longer visible. The place was surrounded by trees which have all been now cut down. 

But Kuttikanam, the town that used to have only our school and few shops has now changed completely. It even has a 24 hour modern supermarket with a café that serves BBQ. Have not tried it yet but is on my bucket list. Last trip we passed the town on our way to Bangalore and had dosa from one of the hotels. Not very tasty but could be forgiven for the ambience. It came up after Marian College was built and serves the students mostly I think.

Here is a more detailed write up on Peerumade from another besotted visitor. The story of Peermade

Screeeeeeeeeeeech!

As a kid or as an adult one may have experienced the exciting feeling during a ride on a giant wheel or a roller coaster or even plain sliding on a smooth floor, until it stops suddenly with a screech or maybe soundlessly. It is only you who experienced it until you join the rest who walks around normally. It is this same feeling that I now experience after both the kids have flown the nest. It was an exciting, never stopping, nerve wracking experience similar to a giant wheel or a roller coaster. You chose it and then something or someone took control of everything. All you could do was either enjoy, scream, laugh or even cry. But now that I am out of it, it is like standing alone and trying to make a sense of it all. You are back on solid ground. But what do you do?

Still trying to figure out what I shall do.. maybe the world will throw me something or maybe I would need to grab something myself.

Twitter and just rambling

Realize now that I have more or less abandoned this blog. Sigh.. Shall blame it on twitter where I continue to rant and most of it are addressed immediately. Which means, the steam of the ranting gets over in twitter itself. Twitter also reduced my words to 140 and muddled my grammar and spellings too! Right now I am writing just for the sake of it and with no topic on my mind. I could write about the current coalgate scam where our CBI has openly/legally confessed that they are not an independent team. But since this news is not new, it does not surprise me and I find no way out for this nation. UPA refuses to see it's mistake and there in none to make it pay for it's mistake, unless our esteemed Supreme Court finds a way. Will it save this nation?

Meanwhile our daughter has reached the 12th standard and son 11th. Time has flown too quickly and soon both of them would have to leave Kuwait to pursue higher studies. Until now parenting was easy since they were near, now I wonder how it would be when they are far away. Will they be responsible enough? Will the new freedom make them stray? Will they find right friends? Will the college have ragging? These are some of the thoughts that go through my mind. Sometimes I feel I should go with them but that would mean that I would have to leave Hubby behind. But then things have come this far and I guess it would do so in future too. I still remember how a friend once said the same when I was new to Kuwait and yet to have children. When I wondered how difficult it would be to bring up children with no support she casually remarked that one would take it in stride and it will come naturally. And I did. I had none to support me during my delivery or when I reached home. But I think I did a fair job with my children :) 

The children changes fast! It needed a lot of chiding to make my son comb his hair or select a dress but now he takes more time than his sister to dress up. Even then he has to take opinion from his sister on everything. I see him updating his profile on FB and then waiting with much tension to see the number of comments and likes. This is the age of social media! As for daughter, she has less words for us but too much for her friends. Her phone calls are never ending and I end up threatening to call up parents. Earlier she used to hang onto her father's arms when out for shopping but now unless he reminds her, she does not. Hubby feels abandoned and keeps reminding that the children no longer want us. Guess one need to get used to the fact that they are ready to fly the nest and we may no longer have much hold over them. I left home after my 10th and used to come home only for study leave or during vacation. 

Right now I have this great urge to move to Kerala knowing well that that I may regret the decision :). Hubby won't even let me finish uttering my desire. Living in India will not be easy especially after a life out here. I am not talking about the comforts which is available in India too for a price. But somehow life out here is fairly easier and you fall into a false sense of security, whereas in India one is rudely awakened each time we try to settle down. As for the NRI's how much ever we are on our guard, someone or the other will always be there to think ahead of us. Anyway, let things move on as it is now. Maybe if my MIL asks for my assistance I shall relocate to India. Right now she is comfortable with her lonely life. The greatest surprise is that she has grown to love our dog Jim. She used to hate dogs, mostly due to her fear and it was FIL who still kept dogs out of his love. Though she used to feed the dog she was always threatening to drive it away. But Jim has captured even her heart. Since Jim being a lab had a habit of jumping upon you, she used to keep away from him. But recently we had to terminate the services of our maid since she tried to swindle money and another is yet to join. This meant that Jim was confined to his cage. Poor guy! Until the other day when MIL took courage to let it out and lured it away by food. Surprisingly Jim seems very caring towards MIL. I think he understands that MIL is old and should be treated thus. She is 82 years. Yesterday she was sitting out in the front, and Jim brought the chappals that she uses outside from behind the house. Maybe Jim wanted her to move around with him! Here is a picture of Jim as a pup.

All of us miss him much and we are waiting for July to come so that we can see him. He has grown big and will soon celebrate his first birthday. We bought him home as a puppy and he accompanied us everywhere. He slept with our son until we had to leave him behind. Only Hubby was lucky to see him again and he brought back enough photos and videos to satisfy us. Only dogs can love you unconditionally!

Think I have rambled enough for today :) Hope to return with more serious topic soon.

Anniversary

Today is a day of remembrance and a day for celebration.

It is a day to remember Achayan (my FIL) who left us this day two years back. Achaya..you will always live in our memories.

It is also a day to remember 2 decades of our married life. Yes..it has been so long!

Over the years, we fought like cats..

.....and made up like love birds! 

Watching us, the world may call us the least compatible couple.. but we learned much from each other and changed for each other.

But the greatest achievement of our union is our two children whom we love and adore.

During this short life full of ups and downs I have realized how fickle relationships can be.

How easy it is to blame than to accept.
How easy is to hurt than to forgive.
How easy it is to give up than continue.
How easy it is to cut relationships than to nurture it.

Our children too shall leave this home we created lovingly very soon, to face the world and to know people better or worse than us. Let me pray that they shall forgive and forget whatever we have omitted to teach them and whatever we taught them unintentionally. Let me pray that they shall always remember that we did our best and will reach out to us during their times of difficulties and triumphs.

Let me also thank God for not giving me everything that I have prayed for, but for giving me so many things that I have never prayed for but is very precious.

Dreaming of a white Christmas

It is not that I have ever experienced a white Christmas.. but this is the time of the year that I love to listen to Christmas songs.

It takes me back to my childhood and my favourite month: December. In the place I grew up; Peerumade, December made a very noisy appearance. The wind made a howling sound that is so unique to this area. The weather turned cooler and the air was filled with the smell of Eucalyptus. The howling wind tore down the twigs and leaves and at night the sound reached a crescendo. But this was also the time for the year-end holidays. The school at that time had a January to December schedule and the whole December was off. And since one has finished the final exam for the year there was no more studies too. Luckily tuitions had not made an appearance and we children were free to do what we wanted. Actually the exams were not forgotten since the results had to be faced sooner or later. But to douse the fear each time it made an appearance, all one had to do was to play the game of pebbles. One throws it up and try to catch it each time it comes down and if you can do it nth number of time, you are sure to pass! How easily we found solutions to our fears when we were younger!

It was also the time for Christmas cakes. There were no bakeries nearby and the cakes had to come from the kitchen. My mother would have soaked the dry fruits in rum and the baking would start after a week of soaking. She makes enough for us and to gift to relatives whom we would visit. She made one of the best cakes and I am yet to taste one similar to hers! I remember the day our lab; Floppy stole one whole cake to feed her hungry puppies. Since the cake was left to cool on the dining table, she somehow crept in and stole one away! I don’t think she was taken to task for that.. she was too cute and loving!

December was also the time of the year to start fresh and this thought made one happier. Resolutions were made to study harder and to fight less with the siblings. Since we were five, fighting was an invariable part. There were lots of games and lots of fights!

December was also the time for Christmas Carols. Even though the congregation was small, the Christmas Choir was a must each year. The choir practice was mostly done at our place and a good supply of hot snacks and tea made appearance.

It was also the time for Christmas tree! There were no fancy decoration items but yet the tree was beautiful. It was also the time to receive Christmas cards and to see the ones who remembered our family. The cards would be stacked against the trees. Some would contain snaps of the family; new additions and others we children have never seen.

And now.. December is the time to forget everything! One works even on a Christmas day and the only tradition that I follow is the Christmas Tree. And that reminds me that it is time to take down the Christmas Tree  J

I did it!

Yes I did it!

It maybe a small achievement for many but for me it is a major one.

I learned to swim!

Now dont say bah!

It all started when daughter wanted to go for swimming classes.

I have always wanted to learn; in fact it was one dream which I never knew when and how I shall possess. Being an Aquarian, I have an affinity towards water but at the same time I was terrified to put my head down under the water. I used to dread even the water theme parks and once I remember how my head went under water and I was terrified.  Having grown up in the high ranges with only streams and small pools and the climate not so conducive for swimming, I never had a chance to acquire this life skill. So it was a chance that I took. The first day itself taught me that it was a daunting task. I was terrified of going under the water.

The first class taught us the leg movement while holding onto the side bars but I think one should also be taught to put the head under water and breathe out. It is from the net that I learned that only this shall take away the fear of water. I found that those who started with me had gone ahead and were already swimming in deep water just like my daughter. It was easy to give up but I did not want to. I learned to swim with the help of the board. Actually when one puts the head and the upper part of the body inside the water, the leg comes up naturally and then the leg movement is easy. But for people like me who was terrified of water, this was not an easy task.

But I did it finally and now I need to practice.

Needless to say that this has given me much happiness and contentment. It also adds to my confidence level. Guess when one is over 40 (wink!) even learning such a skill which might come naturally to others is a great one!

But the only part that I dont like about swimming is the chlorinated pool. I wish they find other means to purify the water. Someone says, rubbing coconut oil on your body may lessen the absorption of chlorine which incidentally is not good for your health.

I look forward to my next class with lots of enthusiasm.

Today it is me...and tomorrow you...

Death affects you, how much ever you try to remain stoic. It forces you to look more deeply to this life that we live, knowing well that this life and so also these feelings about death are only fleeting.

There has been three very important men in my life; my Father, my FIL (Achayan) and my Hubby and one of them has left this earthly abode. It is from them that I have learned to understand, love and respect the men folk.

Our Achayan passed away in his sleep early morning of 17th of February. Hubby was with him in the palliative care centre until 10:30 PM, the previous night. It was my MIL along with the home nurse who was staying the night. Soon after coming home, Hubby called me and shared the day’s events. But he also started crying while seated on his Father’s favourite easy chair. He said he imagined Achayan walking through the gate. Coincidently, it was at the same time that Achayan breathed his last in the hospital. Being the youngest, he was much attached to his Father and his death has affected him a lot. I consoled him and asked him to get some sleep. We were still up here in Kuwait and the next call at 11:30 PM or so sounded ominous and I knew in my heart that the news was going to be bad. It was my Hubby calling to inform that Achayan had passed away at 1:05 AM and that he was proceeding to the hospital. A few days back, one of his relations asked Hubby if there were any birthdays or such other occasion in the family. Upon enquiring why, he said that recently he has been seeing deaths happen on these occasions and he asked Hubby to be prepared. And true to his prediction, Achayan died on our wedding anniversary. Call it a quirk of fate or a loving Father’s good bye to those who loved him a lot. The funeral was held on 20th and me and kids were able to attend it. It was a blessed occasion and all whom Achayan cared for, were there to bid him good bye.

It would be our desire to have our loved ones beside us as many years as possible but I guess God has His own plans and we can do nothing but accept it. But we are thankful that Achayan was spared from pain and discomfort, and the days that he lived on this earth, he lived it in his own terms.

A reminder to oneself....

The following must have been an email forward sent to me by a well wisher a few years back... I am not sure why I saved it... but the words continue to inspire me..

The good you find in others is in you too.

The faults you find in others are your faults as well.

After all, to recognize something you must know it.

The possibilities you see in others, are possible for you as well.

The beauty you see around you, is your beauty.

The world around you is a reflection, a mirror showing you the person you are.

To change your world, you must change yourself.

To blame and complain will only make matters worse.

Whatever you care about, is your responsibility.

What you see in others, shows you yourself.

See the best in others, and you will be your best.

Give to others, and you give to yourself.

Appreciate beauty, and you will be beautiful.

Admire creativity, and you will be creative.

Love, and you will be loved.

Seek to understand, and you will be understood.

Listen, and your voice will be heard.

Show your best face to the mirror, and you'll be happy with the face looking back at you.

ID Holidays

We had 10 days of ID holidays and coming back to work was like the first day of school after vacation. I am sure the kids enjoyed our reluctance to get ready for work. Finally their feelings are being acknowleged!

Went to the Scientific Center with another family on the first day of ID.






Looks like nothing excites the present generation. The children felt it was much better watching Animal Planet, although some of the inmates did invite their curiosity. We planned BBq's and picnics but it all had to be shelved since son got sick. Must be the recent change in weather. But then being at home was relaxing too. Watched movies and did some cooking. Could put up the Xmas tree too.



A lone cat soaking in the sun at the entrance of the center. It looked quiet tame; maybe its owner is jogging somewhere nearby.

Guillain-Barre syndrome

My FIL was suffering from Guillain-Barre syndrome which is an uncommon inflammatory disorder in which your body's immune system attacks your nerves, typically causing severe weakness and numbness that usually starts in your extremities and quickly worsens. Eventually your whole body can become paralyzed, even the muscles used for breathing.
There's no cure for Guillain-Barre syndrome. But two treatments have been shown to speed the recovery from and reduce the severity of the disorder:

 Plasmapheresis. This treatment — also known as plasma exchange — is a type of "blood cleansing" in which damaging antibodies are removed from your blood. Plasmapheresis consists of removing the liquid portion of your blood (plasma) and separating it from the actual blood cells. The blood cells are then put back into your body, which manufactures more plasma to make up for what was removed. It's not clear why this treatment works, but scientists believe that plasmapheresis rids plasma of certain antibodies that contribute to the immune system attack on the peripheral nerves.

 Intravenous immunoglobulin. Immunoglobulin contains healthy antibodies from blood donors. High doses of immunoglobulin can block the damaging antibodies that may contribute to Guillain-Barre syndrome.

FIL was given the second one and it brought back the use of his hands and the sensation to his legs. He was discharged on 1st December and by God’s grace was able to greet the new year from his home. Hubby and his brother took turns to look after him but his brother had to leave early. A wheel chair, a walker etc has been purchased and we were lucky to get a good home nurse too.

Pray that his recovery is complete by the physiotherapy.

An update

My FIL is getting better and may be shifted to the ward in a day or two. It was some sort of Syndrome affecting the veins. Since the doctors started the treatment early it did not spread. It started with his legs when he was diagnosed by another doctor (different hospital) as lack of calcium. He was using a “Walker” to walk around. But then his legs started giving away and he fell down. This made them admit him in the ICU. By God’s grace they started the treatment immediately, on advice from Dr. Madhusudan with some Chinese medicine which is very expensive.

When we enquired with a Nuerosurgeon here in Kuwait he was of the opinion that this is a good medicine and that most such medicines come from either China or Korea. The company name is Hualan Biological Engineering Inc.

If they hadn’t started the treatment in time, he would have been paralysed completely. They say the infection could have started after a normal fever.

Thanks for all the wishes and prayers.

Holidays.....

For the first time I had 6 days holidays... and felt very good.

We had planned for an outing with friends which did not work out instead made a few visits.

The only sad part is that Hubby's Father is admitted in Hospital hence he had to cut short the holidays and travel to Kerala. Pray that he gets well soon.

But Xmas and New Year will be a lonely affair with just the kids and me.

Had a Japanese dinner at Sakura Restaurant with chop sticks, of course the modified one.

We liked the taste, though we tried only the cooked ones and not the raw ones.


And YES... MODI is returning to Power again! A hat trick. A great New Year for the BJP Party and their Man of the Match.

Kids!

The other day I heard our daughter answering the phone and then saying some secret codes. On enquiring she asked me not to tell her brother about the secret code that she shared with her girl friends. And then I remebered how our son fooled two of them the other day!

Daughter was having her bath and the call came from the 1st friend. I heard our son discussing notes, sharing answers etc. And then slyly he came and told me that she never knew it was him! And then he was lucky to receive one more call and he kept her also entertained. He was happily chatting with her and enjoying it fully.

We cannot blame these girls since me and Hubby still cannot distinguish them over the phone! I guess we have to wait for our son to break his voice and since the girls cannot wait that long they devised the secret code! How else can they share girlish secrets!

Angels..

Let me thank the Almighty for keeping us in His care. Yesterday after the kids reached home, I received a distress call from our daughter saying that the exhaust fan in the bathroom was burning! She dint have the guts to go into the bathroom but saw the fire from the balcony. Well.. i dint know what to say but then suddenly one Arab saw the fire from down and came running up.. first he asked my daughter to douse the fire but knowing well she couldn’t do it, he came running up to the third floor. I immediately called Hubby who called the nearby Indian Shop to send someone. Anyway thanks to the stranger, the fire was doused well in time even before the guy from the shop could come. When Hubby came, the kids had locked the house and the flat was still full of smoke.. this could have been another disaster.. but God is great..
They say this is the first time they hear that an exhaust can catch fire.. but a major disaster was averted. I could only thank the considerate stranger over the phone for being there and acting in haste.

The Mess

I guess I need to explain why I settled for the “Mess”!
When one joins a new company, all one strives for in the first few years is to keep the job in midst of the usual office politics etc. I did just this and besides there were financial constraints too which did not give me the flexibility to take risks. Then you settle down and find the place comfortable. It is only much later that you start thinking about the job itself!