Tuesday, August 21, 2007

The in-famous mallu

A mallu is the short form provided to the in-famous Malayalee by a non-mallu. If there is one species that has been to every corner of the world then it has to be a “Mallu”.. “Ayyo, ellada spacil ehtiyittilla” That is true. The mallu is yet to reach the space but even that is going to be invaded by the mallu. Santhosh Jacob is all set to fly the Virgin Galactic, the space tourism enterprise under the stewardship of Richard Bronson, who controls the Virgin brand for a mid-2008 journey. I heard there has been a snag in this trip but if it takes off it, yes the mallu has been on space too. Now the Mallu has many distinctive characteristics,
1- He works diligently only when he is out of Kerala (aka malluland, GOC). He can easily adjust to any work environment so different from his own idyllic settings.
2- But in mallu land one can find him under the tamarind tree, or in the daily rally organized by the various political parties or he could be in one of the tea shops devouring the daily newspaper along with his cup of tea.
2- He is well versed with all the current happenings in his state and all over the world, after all he comes from a 100% literacy state.
3- But the 100% literacy comes with a price – this has been the reason for the lazy, critical and no care attitude of the majority of the mallus in the state. An investor in mallu land should have all the Gods behind him if he is ever to succeed. A mallu will find ways and means to strangle him.

Anyway let me stop here. Though a proud mallu, I cannot help but relate to most of these facts forwarded by my mangi friend Danny. Hubby had a great time reading it out to all of us. Thank you Danny! We did have a good laugh.

I am sure the same was compiled by a mallu and not a non-mallu.

If you can fit four passengers in the front seat of an Ambassador taxi, while in the back there are eight passengers and two children with their heads stuck out of the window, chances are, you are a Mallu going to attend your cousin's wedding.

If you can run, ride a 100 cc motorbike without wearing a helmet, and play football all while wearing a lungi tied halfmast, Malayali status!

If your late father left you a part of an old house as your inheritance, and you turned it into a "chaya kada" (tea shop),yes.... you're a Malayali !

If you have more than 5 relatives working in the Gelf, you are a Big Time Malayali !

If you have the words "Chinchu Mol + Jinchu Mon" written on the rear window of your Omni car, yes...... you are a Malaayli.

If you refer to your husband as kettiyon; ithiyan, pillerude appan, guess what? You're a Central Travancore Syrian Christian Malayali.

If you have a Tamilian parked in front of your house every Sunday, ironing your clothes, chances are a you are a Middle Class Malayali. If you have more than three trade unions at your place of work, then ask no further...... you are indeed a Malayali.

If you have voted into power a Chief Minister who has not passed the 4th grade then ask no further, YOU ARE A MALAYALI.

If you have at least two relatives working in the US in the health servises sector , Yes.... Malayali!

If you religiously buy a lottery ticket every week, then you're in the Malayali Zone!

If you constantly refer to banana as "benana" or pizza as "pissa" you are a Malayali..

If you use coconut oil instead of refined vegetable oil and can't figure out why people in your family have congenital heart problems, you could be a Malayali. (THIS WILL NOT STOP ME FROM USING THE COCONUT OIL!)

If you are going out to see a movie at the local theatre with your wifey wearing all the gold jewellry gifted to her by her parents, you are a newly married Malayali..

If you and your wife and three children dress up in your Sunday best and go out to have biriyani at Kayikka's on a 100 cc Bajaj mobike, you are an upwardly mobile Malayali from Cochin.

If your idea of haute cuisine is kappa and meen curry (tapioca & fish curry), then yes.... you are a Malayali..

If you have beef puttu for breakfast, beef olathiathu for lunch, and beef curry with "porotta" for dinner, yeah, definitely Malalyali.

If your name is Wilson, and your wife's name is Baby, and you name your daughter Wilby, have no doubts at all, you are a standard Syrian Christian Malayali from Chengannur !

If most of the houses on your block are painted puke yellow, fluorescent green, and bright pink, definitely Malappuram Malayali working in the Gelf.

If you tie a towel around your head and burst into a raucous rendition of the song "Kuttanadn Punjayile" (the traditional boat race jingle) after having three glasses of toddy, then you are a hardcore Malayali.

If you call appetizers served with alcoholic beverages as "touchings", then you are one helluva Malayali.

If the local toddy shop owner knows you by your pet name and you call him "Porinju Chetta" then you are true Malayali.

If you're sick and your wifey rubs "Bicks" into your nostrils and gives you "kurumulaku rasam" (pepper rasam) with chakkara (jaggery) -grandma's recipe- to help relieve your 'symbtoms',damn!! You are a Malayali.


All meant in fun - don't get "SIMBLY AGITATED" ! Just pass it on, so yet another Malayali can have a laugh too!!!


  1. Hahahaha......tat was a good one....no, not ur write-up Happy, but ur friend's mail.

    The guy who authored tat...must surely be a Malayali....100%

    It was fun reading it......(I'm still giggling).

  2. Hmmm...

    Isn't "frustrated non-mallu" a bit to biased an assumption?

    ~ Steele

  3. Hmmm...

    Isn't "frustrated non-mallu" a bit too biased an assumption?

    ~ Steele

  4. Well Steele.. actually even we mallus get frustrated by a mallu. so I assumed.. well maybe there r exceptions like u :-

  5. Hey nice one. had me rolling with laughter in the office.

    One problem!!! it seems there are some changes made to your blog!! because every other day RSS feed tells me that there are 25+new post in your blog!!

  6. Hi!

    Maybe they are talking abt the total number of posts?

    So have u noticed these traits in any of ur mallu frnds? (if u have any)

  7. hey you beat me to this - but i am still planning a blog on the advent of lungis to mallu-land!!


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